This is what life feels like right now

Change is for the better, right?

Let's just say life has handed me a one-two punch, perhaps even a three-four punch, to the belly. It is early morning and I am in early mourning for the life I used to think I was living. In a way though, it is all for the good. Growing pains hurt but life is always changing, and it always is metamorphosing into different forms. I am taking a page from the playbook of Qeuetzalcoatl, and shedding my skin, over and over endlessly. I have wings to fly through the clouds and I slither through the dirt just as comfortably. Evolution is dependent on those with the most flexibility, those who can weather the change with the least agony. I keep telling everyone I know that change is the fire under our psyche's butt, and now, yes, even I have to live like the Pheonix through the ancient combustion of life's licking flames.


I don't think we, as cosmic monkeys, are hard-wired to like it though, seeing as we put it off until nothing else will do.

Let me just say this to the universe. I want to change, I want to flow into the new life, but I don't want to cleave myself from all that I know, in order to keep the spark of life and love that I understand inside of me. I feel apprehensive that the cold winds of this world might blow out that tenuous spark otherwise.

And that is all I will say about that for now.

It is Peace Day! Love your nieghbors!

wrenching the heart

Are we, each of us, micro-universes, and is the universe a macro-self?

This is a central teaching of shamanistic and pagan traditions across the world. These wisdom systems all share a core understanding of what humanity represents, which is a personification of the energy that creates the universe. We are, essentially, love incarnate, which fuels the fire of universal procreation. Mountains and rivers form in the heart of the universe, creations formed from the unique and amazing woven fabrics made from the threads of love, the energy of the heart. Who can say what electricity is other then the movement of energy toward itself, the longing of the individual pulse to unite, to yoke itself, to the endless ocean?

Can feelings be used as evidence while gathering empirical data? Aren't feelings as real as thoughts, and aren't thoughts more real then we give them credit for? A thought is a something as much as a word is, or speech, or even a movement. Perhaps a thought is simply the seed of action, but that certainly doesn't make it not something. A seed is one of the most powerful things that exist in this universe.

Shamans and other wisdom seekers learned about the universe through various means other then the scientific method, but amassed a vast amount of demonstrable fact regardless of their means. How did humans know so much about the plants of the world, before the scientific method figured out how to analyze plant particulates? The shamans, pagans, vegetalistas, and herbalists would have us believe that the plant communicates with them. The only reason we find this hard to believe nowadays is that the scientific method has insisted that only mammals communicate, and only human mammals communicate complex thoughts and emotions. This is simply a bias, I think, just like when the world was thought to be flat, and the heavens spun around it. Just raw egotism.

When the world, even the universe, is understood to be populated by an infinite amount of beings, who, like us, are traveling through space and time being what it is they are, and when one believes that all these beings can practice some form of communication, then the internet becomes a shallow experience compared to the network of communication that exists not only out your back door, but perhaps even on your desk. The wisdom keepers of the ages have understood that the only way to communicate with all these beings is with the heart. The intellect is our human toy, perhaps as unique to us as the opposable thumb. According to wisdom keeper Martin Prechtel, the grinding noise of our minds keeps many beings at bay, put off.

Perhaps it is time to recognize the mind for what it is, an extremely useful tool. But just like a wrench is useless without a hand, so is the mind is useless without a direct connection to the heart.

With that in mind, please watch this clip and dance around. Connect to your body for a little while.

Yoga Trance Dance with Shiva Rea
Uploaded by AcaciaFitness. - Explore lifestyle, fashion, and DIY videos.

Joy in the Rain

This is just the best photo of my nieces ever

simple pleasures

an oscillating fan on a hot summers day

chocolate bar

a clean car

new socks

a walk in the dark with a friend, and spotting a huge dog that becomes a small cat

free range eggs

a rainy day without any chores

forgetting your cell phone at home

ordering a large Pizza Athena from Pizza Luce

taking a nap!

To be aware

To just be aware is the hardest thing.

My impulse is to do, think, reason, act, do, spit, stir it up.

But just to see, hear, taste, touch; to take it in through the filter of my senses.

It will all be gone someday, the mortal coil shall slip.

clean water

Every day I am thankful that I can turn on the tap and draw clean water from our city water sources. Some would say that this water is not that clean, and I do admit not relishing its flavor because of the chlorine and whatever chemicals used to make it potable, but it is good, clean, safe water nonetheless. This in a way is a treasure, this water that allows us to feel healthy and safe.

It could always be better. I could live in the country and collect clean rainwater, or draw on a crystal clear aquifer. But I think it is always a good thing to appreciate what is right there, in front of you. We are taking pretty polluted water from a main artery that flows through our city and cleaning it to the best of our abilities in order to supply the system with good water.

If we look at it from a permaculture perspective, it falls short in many ways. Too energy intensive, no stacking functions, no longevity of infrastructure, or self-maintenance. The whole thing is a wild, unruly mess, truth be told.

But that is sort of comforting. I am a wild, unruly mess as well. Perhaps we should redesign these systems in a better way, but right now I think we should respect what they are, and the spirit behind them. Vive la vida!

watch your actions and thoughts

I am making some kimchi right now, with a giant daikon from my garden, as well as baby carrots, onion, another trype of radish, and turnip. I purchased Napa cabbage, peppers, and garlic from the coop. This time I splashed a bit of fish sauce into the mix, as that is a very traditional ingredient to kimchi. I think it will turn out beautifully.

What I really need to do is clean out all the ferments I have in the refrigerator. There are all sorts of goodies in there, some of which may be past their prime.

I went out looking for Ford Ranger trucks yesterday, as fremenine went to an old friend's wedding in Mankato and I had some time to do this important search. It was a flop; one person I called told me her truck just had the "service engine" light turn on so she wanted to get it checked out, one truck just stunk, and another I had found on craiglist was just sold. Since I had driven 30 minutes to find one of the trucks sold at the lot, I decided to call the next place on my agenda, and found out that they had lent the truck out to a friend and he had forgotten to return the key with the truck. So no go on that one for now, plus it is all the way down in Savage which is like a 45 minute drive, so I don't know about checking it out at all.

All in all, I think maybe the spirits are telling me something about Ford Rangers.

I think I am going to get my shoes on and go buy some flower at the farmers market.

time...is on my side

Yes it is!

To reflect on time has been the essence of this 30th year of my life. Perhaps all of us who reach thirty years of age are somewhat amazed. Of course, years are an relatively arbitrary invention, but that doesn't mean that a year is not intensely important to our souls, bodiess, hearts. The impact of time is still being deciphered, age after age.

To follow my sweetheart, fremenine, to follow my Ecstatic Heart, to follow the stories of my friends and family, to follow my garden, to follow the path, to follow the seasons and cycles of life through time is all there is. It seems that, at least in so-called "civilized" cultures, we try to sort of ignore the passage of time, try to make light of it, but time, and his sister space, are what we have to work with here, and if we work with them poorly, life will be poor, uninspired, ugly. If we want beautiful, inspired, joyful living, we can't ignore the impact of time.

There is a natural time and unnatural time. We are stuck in unnatural time because of our jobs, lifestyles, societal pressures, and so on. This is not necessarily the worse thing that could happen to humanity, although it may be, but how do we work natural time into our lives, to struck some sort of cosmic balance?

It is a question that is hard to answer. Perhaps there is no answer, only striving toward balance.

If there is one thing I have learned in my 30th year it is this: To utterly relax and enjoy the passage of time is an infinitely valuable skill.

If there is another lesson I have learned it is to follow my heart, always, no matter how hard it is.

If there is one last thing I have gleaned in 2009 it is to allow all things to just be, to be aware as much as possible, and in that open awareness to follow my bliss toward love.

The desires to define, box in, codify, win, acquire, name, and possess are all related pressures. I feel three words can best describe my inclination toward these desires right now.

Let it go.

end

beginning

triage

I found some words I wrote a few years ago that resonated with me.

Sleep like a baby
Dream like a boy
Live like a man

thunder and lightning

I woke up this morning, back in my comfy bed in Minneapolis, to crashing thunder and pouring rain that echoed my pounding heart in a chaotic swirl of elemental energies. When I was away, as I read a story about the North Wind zapping the Daughter of the Sun with lightning, a symbolic knife that cuts her into her elemental pieces, her most basic intrinsic beings, tornadoes whirled through Minneapolis without warning. Nobody was hurt, but the reminder is there: Nature, the life force, is always present and strong, and Chaotic Time is sometimes the instigator of change.

I did have a vision on my quest, but it wasn't necessarily about it me, it was about my place on this Tree of Life, my story in the big story. I have found a path that I will follow, but it is no big thing, it is just what we all must to do live our lives in love.

I did have realizations and insight into my own personal journey, and it was very helpful to have some time to understand these things, our lifelines, our story patterns. In a way, I feel like trying to relate these insights and thoughts right now will not be helpful to me, as if I am nurturing a seedling and I need to grow it to a certain height before I can begin to harden it off outside in the real weather of the world. Also, the written word is not as alive as the spoken, and I would like to explore my connection to the life of communication via the spoken word for awhile, which may mean that I post less on this blog.

Suffice it to say, right now, that I have the intention to follow the Ecstatic Heart on my journey, my storyline on the great tree of Life. From what I can tell, the Ecstatic Heart is the spirit of all that I believe, and has many other names, but is essential to the creation of love. In a few months, I may discard my ideas for new ones, as we all do, but that is fine as well, because underneath all of my ideas, concepts, and philosophies, there is the pulse of the ecstatic heart, my soul, my spirit. Everything I do comes out of that great well of life.

Even writing those last words illustrates the difficulty of relating my experiences. So I will stop now and wish you a beautiful day, full of good heart and tasty stories.

The thing that men don't understand is that women see things more clearly, more in tune with what is really happening, here, on earth. We want to believe that our reasoning can make sense out of all this madness.

Jingwakoki

Off in a week to seek the vision that will guide me through the rest of my life.

all one

Seeing the dharma is like seeing a river for the first time. Each drop of water holds in it the essential nature of the entire river, and each river is merely a collection of the ten thousand drops of water. And when one starts to see the dharma of the river, one can't help but see the dharma of the lakes and seas, the earth and sky, and so forth. And when one can see the dharma in oneself, then we have a buddha. When seen in someone else, we have sangha. In terms of interdependent origination, they are all one thing.

I am tired today, and it is going to be dark and rainy, which is fine.

Christoga

Holy fucking shit:

spineless

The moon is full. The tides pull us out to sea, that salty brine that gave birth to us vertebrates. It has been a cool week, a cool summer, and the leaves have grown long in the sun. Fruits hang perilously on branches.

I wake up and my spine is stiff. I sit and drink my dark coffee. My spine softens as the day unfolds. I haul heavy stones and move gravel and soil from place to place. My spine becomes weary. Soreness, an ache that leaves me breathless for relaxation. And I wonder, would I relax as much without the hurt?

I long for isolation. Words drop from my mouth that do not mean anything. I feel forced to explain my every word and action. I would rather sit and watch the loons dive into the chilly waters of a lake left by ancient glaciers, sit on a rock moved by crawling frozen water from one place to another, my spine straight.