hot water bottle, blue moon

meditation at 5:30 in the morning on New Year's Eve, 2009, blue moon time

laying underneath the covers
at the beginning of the night
pink hot water bottle warms me
as night fades
I warm hot water bottle
as morning comes
hot water bottle and I are the same

Paper Art Madness

http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/between-the-folds/film.html

Serious Aches & Pains

Well I had some serious aches and pains yesterday that conked me out all day, and they somehow metamorphosed into serious pressure in my ears last night that kept me up groaning most of the night. Not to mention my inflatable bed popped, but did not deflate thank god. I think my sinuses are draining but are trapped in my ears. So I need to work on that. I have a bunch of stuff I could do today, as I have more energy and I took today off to get better, but now I have this very distracting pain in my ears. Well, such is life.

I just had a soft boiled duck egg. Yum!

so cold

It's rare that I get ill. I've come down with a bad cold, I'm very tired, sore, stuffed up, unhappy, etc... It's always the small things that get ya. Can't work tomorrow cuz of this cold, but I'm hoping I get well by Tuesday. My illnesses tend to pass quickly and when they don't I get nervous.

I dreamt of a large cat last night, a mountain lion. The cougar is my spirit animal right now, my guide through the winter.

Ran out of coffee, started drinking yerba mate again, which keeps me less ravenous.

The mornings are gray, dusting of snow, roads will probably be slippery as all hell.

My carburetor needs to be rebuilt, my dad is going to try to do that this coming week. My shop wants too much cash for something that is relatively simple. Meanwhile, Old Yellow (my trucks name)is sitting content in her parking spot. I'm gonna go fill her up with gas and look for some presents for my sisters kids today. If I get stuck somewhere I can always have her towed. Anyway.

Looks like we're going to get some serious snow soon. It's gonna make travel hard. Why do we all travel around so much?

Anybody read this damn blog anymore?

Brokeback Mountain

I'm watching a lot of movies these days courtesy of Netflix. I thought I might as well review them in case you would be interested in my humble opinion.




I watched Brokeback Mountain last night, my second time since seeing it in the theater. Since the first time, I have come to regard Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger as a couple of my favorite actors and I wanted to see how that would affect my opinion of the movie. My biggest impression after viewing the movie for the second time and weeping like I did the first time was that Ledger's performance was amazing. The movie could have so easily been campy with two characters that were almost caricatures of cowboys, but the talented and heartfelt acting elevated the dialogue far above the average love story.

In my opinion, the movie is not so much about two gay cowboys who fall in love (seeing as they were bisexual at the very least), it is a movie that explores the idea of what love really is, and how we as complex human beings tend to fight love instead of allowing it to become whatever it is, naturally. The movie is groundbreaking in its honest depiction of love between two men, so it rightfully deserves it's place as a gay feature film coup de grace, but the message of the movie stays the same whether you are gay or straight; To be happy in love and life, you must take chances.

The music and the stunning scenery lulls us into trance, while the depiction of a hard but pastoral cowboy life sliding inevitably into a domestic boiling pot of trouble reverberates with most working people. We don't really know if it makes more sense for Jack and Ennis to try to forge a life together in order to fulfill their hearts dream, or if they should continue on the paths they have followed for so long. All we know is that they aren't happy, and for them to become happy, we think that they must go ahead and take that unthinkable chance. Fear is what keeps Ennis from doing so, fear of the terrible violence that he saw with young eyes, the violence that erupts from those who fear the differences in the "other", which Jung has stated comes from that which we fear in ourselves. Where else would the violence come from? If we were at peace with ourselves, there would be no violence.

In accordance with that rule, we see Ennis becoming desolate and more violent, to himself and others. We watch as Jack searches for his dream elsewhere. And in the end, we find that Ennis is correct in his estimation of the violence in his fellow man, and Jack's dreams ring hollow, at least in that place in time in that particular society.

While the film slowly winds to a heartbroken halt and tears are coaxed from my eyes, I wonder why we as humans attempt so constantly to block love, to stop happiness in its tracks. It almost seems to me that our main societal endeavor so far has been to shimmy down a path that leads to less and less heartfelt action, toward an emptiness of the soul but a richness in material wealth in our daily action. When it comes down to it, how much of us are filled with love and happiness all day every day? How many of us are pursuing our dreams, for fear that not doing so would be the end of not only our dreams, but our lives?

the little bridge between now and then

My second day of work at the co-op I fell on a slippery floor and smashed my elbow and wrist. My arm has been hurting a little bit ever since and I started to ponder the amazing thought that my arms, wrists, and hands really are the bridge between poverty and economic stability for me. I am a man who has come to use his hands in order to maintain an income. I had never thought of it before but if my hands were put out of order, I would have to consider I different way of life completely. Most of us would, I guess.

Our hands are the most amazing things ever. Fingers, palms, and thumbs that help us grasp, manipulate, sense the world around us. Tied to our minds and hearts via sinew and bone, cartilage and vein. We eke out a living on this planet with such delicate equipment, artworks of biology that can easily be damaged in a thousand ways. The little bridge between our future and nowhere.

Other creatures and beings have evolved such similar but different approaches toward interaction with life. We are the animal that makes with our hands.

little grace

Life is full of little annoyances and little graces. Like today, the annoyance of my gas leak continuing even though the shop said they figured it out. So I drove it over and froze my ass off on the way back home. But then I had a moment of grace when I realized my estimated taxes weren't due until January 15th, so I had some time to come up with a better cash flow.

I'm figuring on having the legal aspects of my business up and running by the end of January. Then it is a question of waiting until the snow melts and the ground thaws. Oh, and I get to go on a big shopping trip to buy tools. Fun.

I am enjoying my new job at the co-op. It really is like deja vu, though, the smells, sounds, sights, everything is very familiar. And that is a comfort right now, plus I enjoy being in warm kitchen. Everyone is very friendly as well. The co-op is a great place to work, no matter what.

blankets

I've always loved blankets. I like to wrap myself up and disappear into a cocoon. I love the snow blanket that falls from the sky. Each one is unique. We go out and trudge through them, cursing, or we ski gracefully over them, full of strength. The cold bites our lungs.

Inside we warm ourselves with coffee and tea, cookies and sandwiches. Sometimes our boots and socks and pants are wet, and we have to dry them off. Each act is a unique prayer to the winter.

I'm going to go clean the salt and dirt off my truck today, try to keep the rust from spreading. I think it will be an overcast day. Might take measurements to start a design, I figure the snow makes the yard a blank canvas. It would be good to remember my intentions for next year. I have a name, but I will only share it after I register it with the Secretary of State, I will do that today too. One thing I don't want to do but should is pay my estimated taxes for the third quarter of the year. It isn't necessary but it helps out when I have to pay taxes in April. Also you get a small fine if you don't pay something. Perhaps I will put it off or pay a smaller amount, because I need my funds right now.

Black beans are cooking on the oven. I have dough rising for pizza. A fresh cup of black coffee with organic whole milk awaits me. Then washing my face and going to clean the truck off and onward with the day.

ephemera stew

Sunday, December 13th, 12 degrees F. Old squeaky snow lays in puffy glaciers.

A certain stability has arrived somehow, after much striving, straining, sore muscles and tear soaked cheeks. I get up, work at something, sleep, worry about something. Movies calm me down. Books seem naked and strange, like dead baby birds in the snow. I try to read them anyway. The sun is a joyful friend when seen. The shadows are omens of deaths to come. The winter season is in full on death knell, everything seems dead, dead wind and light, blood pumps reluctantly through veins of forgotten origin.

The leaf stoma closed, enclosed in ice and nibbled on by a dying squirrel. Smells are everywhere, my sense of smell seems to grow each day. Ghosts can smell but not taste, touch, eat, hug. They are a sense cut off from the others. The smell without the taste is so lonely, the touch without the whisper is unfinished. We are clusters of neurons, nerves, muscles, which all desire some form of satisfaction, some connection. We are metanetworks of sensory information being comprehended in life and dream.

Life whispers so softly underground in the soil, the earth our home, our primal birthplace. The soil smells of sugars and acids and ice. Water flows like stone in the winter, slow and unhurried. We are at rest, yet continuing onward, our flow in different tempos; freezing, melting, burning, fossilizing, being born, dying, slowing, speeding.

Heaven exist above the flame, and so we lick the toes of the clouds.

truck work

The mornings

The mornings are cold now, as the world and I are in mourning. The sun peeks out every now and then but knows his place is amongst the clouds. I am in my little apartment, peeking out at the world in curiosity.

My wallet is emptying fast but I feel full of life sometimes. I don't know if anybody noticed this but jobs are scarce these days. I am looking, sending out resumes, the grind. But my skill set is diverse and not particularly qualified for any one thing, in the winter. With luck, the right fit will find me, but my job is to let it.

It is the beginning of the holiday season. I can't say I give a shit.